


Ways To Die

by thedancingstorm



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, happy ish, it'll be better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:07:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22116877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedancingstorm/pseuds/thedancingstorm
Summary: Warning. This had mention of suicide and attempts. There are some thought, and nothing is described graphically. Please if you have any thoughts or feelings, please do not read. It's bad.Summary: Patton doesn't feel well at all. He messes up all the time and is a burden to his friends. His main emotion is guilt. He wants to escape. He wants to disappear.
Relationships: Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders
Comments: 5
Kudos: 46





	Ways To Die

**Author's Note:**

> Again, if this is triggering, please turn away. Please I don't want anyone hurt. 
> 
> Btw, though, I'm okay. This story popped up in my head and I felt like writing it. It's one of those stories. Sorry.

Dying by poison. 

He upset his friend again. He didn't mean to. Somehow, his friend had an intuition when it came to lying. His friend knew when someone else was lying or hiding something. So he did as he usually did. He asked if someone else has been lying. His friend didn't appreciate it. Oh God! He messed up!

Patton feels like a burden. He could be standing somewhere, and still be in someone's way. He doesn't think when he speaks. People get hurt with his words. Even when he doesn't mean it!

Please let him disappear! Let him get away from his life. No more hurting everyone!

Patton let's the tears fall silently. He's sobbing, but he doesn't want anyone to know he's in the bathroom to cry. And oh hey, the bleach. 

It's a painful way to die. He knows this. He will not be able to breathe. The burn will go down to his stomach. It will take a long time to finally escape. 

And if he gets saved, his brain will be destroyed, and that's a horrible way to live, because it's more of a burden. 

Patton let's out a sob. It's loud. Too loud! 

Should he write a note? He wants to. To apologize for all the times he's been in the way. All the times he's upset his friends. How are they still his friends? 

No it would be a waste of their time to read a note. Even a few words. 

Disappearing would be so easy.

There is a knock on the door. Patton knows he's been in the bathroom for a while, but he didn't think it was that long. 

"Hey, Patton?" The voice behind the door calls outs. Ah it's Patton's boyfriend. Patton sniffs and wipes his tears away. A boyfriend who is thoughtful. A boyfriend who is beautiful.

Logan is smart; he has a degrees in scientific engineering and astronomy, and he reads all the time. He teaches his favorite subject. And he loves it. Logan never gets in trouble. He always knows what to say. He never messes up.

How did Patton get a boyfriend who's perfect? 

"Hey, are you okay?" Logan asks, opening the door. Of course he would ask such a thoughtful question.

"Yes," Patton lies. Like he does. Of course he wasn't just looking at all the chemicals they have under the sink. 

"Oh okay. That's great," Logan says, smiling. He shifts his weight. "I was just wondering because you've been in here for a while." 

Patton smiles. It hurts his soul to smile. Because he doesn't want to fake it with Logan. But Logan doesn't deserve to deal with Patton's pain. "Oh! I guess I didn't realize." Patton laughs.

Logan gently lifts Patton chin with his hand. "You've been crying," Logan notices. Oh no! Logan shouldn't worry about it! He doesn't deserve to have that stress. 

Logan slowly wraps his arms around Patton's shoulders. He's hugging him. It's so comfortable. Feelings bubble in Patton's chest. Love is one. He appreciates this human so much. And also he just wants rip Logan's tie off and have him there. But that would be rude. Logan is trying to comfort Patton right now. Stop thinking! Logan doesn't deserve a horny, suicidal, depressed boyfriend. Facts.

Dying by falling.

Patton forgot to make breakfast! He didn't even think of making it because he wasn't hungry. He just lay in bed. But now it's almost noon and he didn't even think about his friends! Just because he wasn't hungry doesn't mean his friends weren't hungry. 

Oh no.

They didn't have breakfast and it's his fault!

He had just got out of bed, but he doesn't feel like taking a shower or putting on clothes. He just turns on his space heater and sits in front. He doesn't care if he gets burned. He wants to disappear. 

He starts to zone out. His eyes land on the window. He could just easily fit through the windowsill. He's never fallen from a high ledge before. The closest he's been to falling is from a ledge near the park. He used to jump off that ledge. But it was only a foot from the ground. His window was 2 floors from the ground. So he never felt the rush of falling from a very high ledge.

It would be a short death. It would be a horrible clean up, though. No no he shouldn't jump.

That would give his friends more work! No way!

But somehow, he's in front of the open window. 

"Patton!" Logan yells. Patton feels arms around his abdomen. Oh... Logan is hugging him. That's bad. That means he cares. 

Oh gosh. Logan cares. If he does, Patton shouldn't leave. Leaving would mean Logan would be sad. And Patton wants to do the opposite. He doesn't want to make Logan sad. If anything, he wants to make Logan feel happy, satisfied, special. 

Oh, he's thinking this again. Patton, stop. Please. You're going to ruin this relationship. 

"What are you doing?" Logan asks softly in Patton's back. 

"I'm looking out the window," Patton answers. More calmly than he thought he would sound. 

"Patton... Then why is the window open?" Logan asks.

"The weather feels nice," Patton continues to lie. He knows he shouldn't lie. It's not right to lie. But he doesn't want Logan to know that he wants to die. Logan doesn't deserve to know. 

"Okay..." Logan whispers. Does he actually believe in Patton's lie? Maybe. Maybe not. And if he's not, then he knows that he's dealing with it. And Patton feels bad all over again. If Logan knows he's lying, why still be dating Patton? What's the point if his boyfriend is a lying mess? Could he be lying about other things?

Of course, Patton knows what he's lying about and what he's not. Because he is definitely not lying about actually loving Logan. Logan is probably the best thing that happened to Patton's life. Added with the rest of his friends. He's so lucky to have them.

And they are not so lucky to have him. But if he's lucky, shouldn't he not want to leave them? No he's thinking about them. They don't want to deal with him anymore. He has to disappear. 

"Let's rest," Logan suggests, leading Patton away from the window.

"Wait, on the bed?" Patton asks.

"Yes. Where else, the floor? In my opinion, the floor is not comfortable. And if on the hard surface for too long, can cause some pain. The bed is the best place to rest," Logan says. 

They both fall on the bed gracefully. They are facing each other. Patton can't handle it anymore! He grabs Logan's tie and pulls Logan closer to him. Logan chuckles. Thank goodness he actually takes it as an invitation. Logan caresses Patton's cheek and connects his lips with Patton's. Kissing back, Patton lets his hands wander around on Logan's chest. 

Then he realizes what he's doing. He gasps and pushes Logan away. "Go! Go away! Far. Please! Leave me alone!" Patton says. 

"Patton.. what's wrong?"

Everything! "Nothing!" 

"Hey, if you're not comfortable with this-"

"It's not that! Go away!" It's for your own good. He doesn't want to make Logan uncomfortable! 

"Alright. Sleep well, then, okay?" Logan says, before getting up and leaving. Before he closes the door, he turns to Patton and says, "I love you." Then he closes the door. This sends Patton crying. He's going to sleep again. 

Dying by stabbing.

His thoughts will not leave! His thoughts of Logan specifically. In bed. Without any of his clothes on. Being taken advantage of. Patton gets excited thinking about it. And he hates that he gets excited. It's horrible!

And he can't escape his thoughts! He's tried. He tried by sleeping it away. He tried by reading, and doing other things.

After these past three days, after all the tries of forgetting his thoughts, he had one option in his head left. 

He's in the kitchen. He can't decide whether he wants to use a small knife or a big one. It would be easier with a big one, definitely. He wants to stab his head just so he could get rid of his thoughts. 

But where should he do it? Blood is difficult to clean up. Maybe the bathtub? Maybe a ditch?

He doesn't have time to choose. Someone grabs the knife out of his hand and places it on the counter.

"Patton..." Logan whispers. He hugs Patton. "What are you doing?" 

Patton can't hold it in anymore. He breaks down and cries in Logan's shoulder. Logan tightens his grip on Patton. He tries to come up with an excuse. With something. He's trying to think of something to say. Instead he just cries.

Logan recognizes that Patton is trying to talk. He just shushes Patton and rocks him. "Patton. Let me help."

"You don't understand!" Patton stutters. "Please leave me alone."

"No." There is no discussion. "I'll help you though this pain you've been feeling. I don't want to leave you alone. And sure I might not understand it. But I don't think I need to to help. My job is to help you and protect you and love you. Let me help you."

And silence follows. Patton let's Logan help. He doesn't think Logan can help, but the first thing is to trust. 

He has to trust Logan, just like Logan seems to trust him. 

Patton wakes up with Logan holding breakfast on a plate. "Good morning!" He sits down on the bed. Patton echoes Logan's greeting. "It's 8 in the morning. I made some toast. I put some jelly on it." He kisses Patton's forehead. "After breakfast, we'll go walking. It'll be good to move."

Patton sits up. He looks at the two pieces of toast. "I'm not hungry."

"Well you have to eat something. Oh, what if I eat with you." Logan picks up one piece. "And you eat the other. We'll eat at the same time."

Patton takes the other toast. He then says hesitantly, "Okay."

They both take a bite. Patton tries so hard, but his stomach acts like he's too full. He still swallows. 

"Here! I brought some water." Logan takes out two aluminum water bottles. "It would be good to also stay hydrated." Logan gives one to Patton. Patton slowly opens the bottle. He looks over to Logan. Logan is drinking already. Patton looks down at the water again. He takes a swig. That's it.

After a few moments of silence, and Logan finishing the toast, he gets up and takes the breakfast plate and places it on the nightstand. He holds out his hand. "Let's go walk." Patton does not want to go. He wants to stay in bed. Just sleep again. Sleep his feelings away. But Logan is patiently just standing there. He's trying to help Patton. It can't be that easy when dealing with Patton. So he feels a little guilty. 

So even though he wants to stay and rot away, he takes Logan's hand. Just because Logan is helping him get better, doesn't mean Patton won't help either. He's got to put some effort. 

So he takes it and gets out of bed. He's already in clothes because he fell asleep in his clothes. 

Logan smiles at Patton. "Let's go!" He sounds excited. Maybe his smile is contagious, because Patton smiles back. And it doesn't hurt this time. Things are going to turn okay. 


End file.
